After tonight I realized something. There was something in you that was so broken that even through my relentless attempts, I would never get to you. Get to the real you, anyhow. I'm not angry at how you are, because I've been there. I've been to the point of blaming anything I could from that feeling. I looked at you staring at your phone, and giving that face. I watched you as you were staring off thinking, acting as if you were looking around, when really you just were a blank sheet. You didn't have to tell me she hurt you, although you did. You didn't have to tell me how empty you were.. but you did. You didn't have to ever tell me of your ex-girlfriend and all the little details, but you do. All the time. All it shows me is that I'm just that girl that helps you through the rough times. Makes you feel better about that one that hurt you; makes you not feel so alone. You say you're empty inside, and I can tell.
You're facial expressions tell me you're not even there. You don't even look me in the face. You're too busy engulfed in your phone every second of the time we're together, or too busy talking about how terrible your ex-girlfriend was,.. or is.
I'm more angry at the fact that you aren't thinking about those who you affect. I don't think you even know what's going on around you at this point. You're trying so hard to numb yourself from the pain and trying to find a way to live your life without thinking. But you think.. overanalyze.. think about it some more, all the time. It's actually painful for me because at this point you're half-assing what I believed to be a great thing. You treat me as if I'm your mom, waiting on you hand and foot, being there for you when YOU want me to be there. You want someone to comfort you and someone you can rely on, someone that is loyal and would do anything for you. I'm you're go-to girl. I'm the one that suppose to pick you up, I'm the one that is suppose to show you what it's really like to be cared for. Naturally, I think I am those things. I would do that for you; I would do that for anyone. By nature I am the nice girl, I am that patient, loyal, lovable, optimistic girl that would do anything for anyone. But I shouldn't have to; not for someone that wouldn't give the same back in return.
I am sorry for all this baggage that you have dealt with. I'm also sorry to see you go through this. I wish I could be the one that could take it all away, but I can't. And it's not fair what you put me through. You don't treat me as though I know I should be treated. You promised to treat me good, as long as I did for you. But you look right through me. You don't even see me. The pain that you deal with, transfers to whomever you're around. I am a great friend, and we can start at that. You seem to need it.
You need to give yourself, what I believe you haven't done yet. You need time. You need time away from her, time away from yourself. Rebounding won't do anything but create heartache for those you temporarily like, the girls that take the time and effort to not only know you, but care enough to show you. You can't love someone else, until you fully love yourself, and at this point-- when you said you feel nothing inside, you're slapping life in the face. Everyone gets hurt. Everyone has that one person that really gets to them. Everyone deals with BS on a daily basis. Sometimes you don't know what the outcome is, or even what to do at the time, but you will. Life goes on.
I've been cheated on by almost every single person I've ever cared for. I've lived my life as if I was a chapter in some lifetime movie. I've had a boyfriend that I lived with cheat on me with every single girl possible, including trying to get together with my friends and family. I've had a guy that was dating me and living , not only a double life, but a triple life with two other girls, BESIDES me. I've caught my boyfriends having sex with other girls in my house, was molested at 15 years old, and I've had my best friends (at the time) steal my boyfriends. Even with all that, I'm thankful, because I wouldn't know empathy, I wouldn't fully understand consideration, I wouldn't highly believe in loyalty, and I wouldn't be an amazing girlfriend.
It's not suppose to be easy. It's not even suppose to be a little easy. The best things in life are worth waiting for, and that's something I realized over the past few years. I am not even sad that things did not work out. I'm not even angry. I feel disrespected and insignificant, but I do understand what you're going through and I will never settle for anything less than I deserve. But like I said I'm a survivor. I always will be. I wasn't given 25 years of life to just sit around and waste it. I'm learning to embrace it. Live life to the fullest and know that everyday I lived it the way I wanted to; and optimistically at that.
During my mom's painful divorce, where my dad cheated on her multiple times, she told me something I will never forget, and now something I'm telling you: " If I can do it, so can you."
